THE GOSPEL ACCORDING TO JOHN

I've got some bad news, and then I've got some really bad news.

Bad news first? Okay: Jesus doesn't love you.

Now, if you just stop and think about it, this shouldn't be too much of a surprise. After all, He died for your sins, which is a good deal if you can get it, but not so good for the guy on the cross. I mean, being crucified is a helluva way to die: transfixed, exposed, the weight of your own body turned against you as gravity drains your strength and then your life. Or something like that. Anyway, it's a painful way to go -- seriously painful -- and not conducive to fostering friendships, let alone feelings of extreme affection.

So that's the bad news, and I can just imagine what you're thinking: ho-hum. I mean, what's He done for you lately, right? And it's a fair point, given that the meek haven't inherited the Earth (though they're still paying all the taxes on that promisory note), and that He's never had to deal with that appalling neighbor of yours across the way - the one who not only doesn't deserve your love, but is actually lucky to have escaped a hatchet to the back of the skull. Still, take my word for it: He's done more for you than you can possibly imagine - even though there's a good chance that most of it won't pan out in the end.

But it's the thought that counts, right?

Oh, and the really bad news?

God doesn't love you, either.

Not only that: when it comes right down to it, He doesn't care about you, doesn't watch over you, and, if He has any kind of "Grand Plan," He's keeping it pretty close to His vest. So you're pretty much on your own - which might actually be a good thing, if my experiences are any indication. Mind you, they're just my experiences; as the car ads say, "actual mileage may vary."

Still, if there's one thing the last six months have taught me it's this:

Caveat emptor. "Buyer beware."

And if anyone offers you the key to those Pearly Gates in exchange for a little help kidnapping a supreme being, tell 'em to go to hell.

It just isn't worth the effort.

JESUS DIED FOR YOUR SINS

and that hasn't made him a particularly happy camper.

He's got an axe to grind with The One in Charge, and some friends in High Places who aren't all that thrilled with the status quo.

What he doesn't have is a whole lot of time: He's stuck in the Afterlife -- and a recent change in the zoning laws are about to make the Afterlife a thing of the past!

ENTER JOHN BYRNE

He's lost his job. He's lost his girl. Most importantly, he's lost his faith in himself.

But all that is about to change.

Fortune's wheel has spun 'round and 'round, and now Byrne finds himself with a lot to live for ... if he can carry out a dangerous mission: to kidnap God, and deliver Him where no man has gone before (and ever come back from alive!)

THE CENTRIFUGAL FORCE AT THE EDGE OF THE PRAYER WHEEL

A Novel in Multimedia

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